Alternative Employment

I'm looking once again to hire another employee. Yikes.... sigh...

I HATE this process almost as much as the employees hate the interview. A background check is a must and costly. Personality consideration is a factor as well as geographical location. One can do all the research one can and STILL not know if this person is going to just get the job done!

Most of my "interview" questions directed at people is done in a conversational way, simply to find out what kind of person they are, for example: lazy, dependable, honest, sleazy, ...etc. Lately, I've had to "revamp" my conversational type outline to include questions I never thought I'd ever ask of anyone. Now, it goes something like this:

Do you have kids? Do you need to be home often?
Do you smoke? Drink? Do you have any DUI's in your history?
What is your experience? How many years have you driven? Do you like driving?
Are you, in fact, a pyromaniac?
Do you have a Hazmat endorsement, Tankers/Triples/Doubles etc?
Does your record reflect any accidents within the last 10 years, auto or otherwise?
Do you often drool when you sleep?
If you have a spouse are they okay with you driving with the opposite sex?
Are you looking for a relationship? (because this strictly is a driving job not a dating service)
Is there any history of necrophilia in your family?
Can you chain a truck in ice, if so, how long does it take you usually?
If given the choice would you pee @: A. Rest Stop B. Truck Stop C. Floor of My Cab D. All of the Above
How often do you stop for meals? Does your scale make funny noises when you step on it, i.e. "help" and "get off me"?

If anyone would like to add to this list and you think I may have missed a question.. LOL, feel free to let me know!

*wink

The Magician's Owl

It's De-Nile River

I believe that some people were indeed set on this earth for my and others, entertainment! For some reason..they don't see the world as others do, nor do they think the same way.

Case in point! :) heh heh.. In high school, a girl named Kelly, used to sit 3 rows over and 2 desks back behind me. Her thinking drove the geography professor to retire that year! It wasn't that she was...per say... dumb; she didn't share the same vision as the rest of us. When we learned of the Nile River, Prof. explained that it was one of few rivers that run south 2 north. Kelly just didn't get why and so she raised her hand high into the air.

"Yes," Prof. points at her.

"So, does the Nile have alot of boats on it? Is that why?" a very blonde Kelly, stares blankly.

Prof. looks at her, kind of like a deer in headlights, "what do you mean?"

"Well, I know the Egyptians were advanced, so how did they do it?" she asks politely.

Prof. furrows his grey brows, "how did they do what?" (puffs out the "wh" in what)

"You said that the river runs up? How do you get water to run uphill?" she asks incredulously.

Prof. waves his hand at the map pointing to north then south and says that "north and south" are directions. Then he points to the ceiling and says, "this is UP! The water runs downhill, (he points to the top of the map) but the water runs north!" And by the look on Kelly's face she is completely confused as the teacher is indeed pointing, ... up! LOLOLOL..By this time I'm laughing so hard I spit water through my nose, which really hurts; tears are now streaming down my face as my hand is cupped hard over my mouth to prevent an outburst of giggling. The Prof. and Kelly stare each other down, locked in academic battle. Prof. pointing at the ceiling and Kelly still believing that with enough water-vehicle traffic you can change the natural law of physics!

I just about broke a rib laughing so hard!

Skipping ahead in time to college, I encounter Debbie, my best friend's sister. Debbie was extremely sweet and extremely naive. One day the question is asked of her, "why was the blonde thrown out of the M&M factory?" Debbie thinks hard, you can practically see smoke. Shrugging her shoulders, she gives up and asks the riddle's end. "Because she kept throwing out all the W's!" (Now yes, the punny joke isn't that good..but the joke wasn't the point!)

"Well, I don't see that's funny", she says, "why did she get fired if she was just doing her job?"

Uh...

One day we handed her a piece of paper, on both sides is a question, the same question. "How do you keep a blonde occupied for hours?" Normally, a person of average intelligence who has been handed this paper, looks, flips, looks...smiles slyly and nods their head. *Ha ha, right? But Debbie was not of average intelligence when it came to these things. We handed her the paper. She looks at it...flips it over. Thinks. Looks, flips, reads, then..flips again..reads. Flips again. Reads. Flips and looks at us questioningly. "I don't get it", she states.

(Of course you can imagine that most of us are literally on the floor, laughing like fools, hoping not to have an accident of the incontinent sort.)

So moving ahead we come to yesterday when my Peterbilt stuck itself on the scale and wouldn't start. The tow bill was going to be $357.00 and that was just for the guy to arrive! YEEK.. So I asked around and sure enough one person had a pull-chain! AWESOME and it was, in fact, a Volvo that pulled me off the scale. (I'm never living THAT one down..humiliations galore!) I call in to my dispatch, explained that they have to get another truck on this load, as my Pete is going straight back to the shop it JUST came from. Dispatch calls back, says that the person is 25 miles away and will be there momentarily. Ok, cool..I'll just sit here in Tumwater, WA; take a parking space and babysit the trailer until he gets here.

... ..... .......

Uh, 4 hours later! ????!?!?! I call back to dispatch, "where IS this guy? Is he personally running here or is he driving a truck?" (For those who didn't figure out, frustration tends to bring my more comedic side to life.) I'm told that goofball is only 5 miles away but he shut down and the truck hasn't moved in 3 hours.... Twelve hours later, I obtained his cell # and called it! I ask where he was (with a slight cracking in my voice, as I've waited all night for any sign of him! >:( In Ukrainian accent he says that the reason he didn't come get me, which he could have done yesterday; he has often seen the Pilot truck stop busy and was afraid he'd have no parking.

"But, you have a bobtail! You have parking because obviously you'd have the trailer's spot! Just back under the trailer and there you are!! You're picking up the trailer here and I leave to go back to Fife !!!"

He laughs merrily, "OH..goodness, I never thot of dat! But you right, next time I remember dees."

My next question to him was, "would you be interested in buying a boat?"

:)

The Magician's Owl

Can't The Elephant Forget, Just Once???

I AM AN I-D-I-O-T.


Uh..yeah..it's true.
I wish technology would come out with a brain wiping drug or scan or whatever. I would pay in the tens to thousands to have that procedure.

It all started when I was young. Girl meets boy, girl falls in love with boy...boy falls in love with girl. Boy moves far away to another country, moves around alot. Girl spends 4 years of her life, alone, waiting patiently for him. Boy calls girl on her birthday out of the blue and says, "I don't wanna do this anymore." Girl is crushed almost to the point of throwing up. Then...girl finds out that boy marries another in less than 5 months afterward, and moves to yet another country.
And girl can never forget.

He is doing what he loves to do now....wrestling wild horses, playing with broncs, being wild. It is how I always think of him, "untameable". Almost killed himself a couple of times on horseback! Mostly, he doesn't have the sense God gave a goose! But he was so handsome, so kind, intelligent and humorous. It was hard to stay emotionally sober when he'd start in on one of his stories of adventure and mayhem! *wink I was first attracted to him because he was the only one that treated me immediately like a lady, unlike the others who treated me like a sex object. That smile; the evil, mischievous twinkle in his eyes would always tell me when he was up to some prank. His jokes were always tasteful, never harming or cutting, yet even if directed at you it still made you laugh.

You'd think after 12 years or so...I'd forget..forgive..let bygones be bygones. I thought that to, until I came across his pic on the internet the other day. THIS is what I get for searching...it's what I get for my damnable curiosity about things..it's why I should have my fingers tied together and my internet account withdrawn! I feel as bad now as the day my heart was torn out and stomped into oblivion....why can't I just let it go?

What am I feeling now?... Surprise for one. I've become so hard-shelled and so callous through the years. wow. I am so out-of-touch with what I feel that mostly I feel nothing. Not sure if I'm even human. I wish I could feel jealousy, joy, anger, resentment, hatred; ANYTHING would be a release of this numbing sensation and I don't even have those emotions. It's just cold. Some days I look at the things I get myself into, wondering how I ever come out alive and unscathed and even though I know I should be scared, I feel nothing. (I think this is the most I've even referred to myself.)

I just can't get him out of my heart...and listening to the song "I'll wash that man right out of my hair"... well thanks Clairol...but I could shave my head and I still don't think it'd help! ha ha..

I've been re-offered a job ice-trucking in Alaska, the final frontier state. I don't know whether Scotty should beam me up or not. I've thought the logical aspects of that through, Spock would be proud.... :)

Joking aside...perhaps I will find peace there, or maybe I should just stop looking so hard for peace of mind. Somehow, I have to find a way to set that wild horse free.

The Magician's Owl

Actors, Coffee, and Chess Pieces

My nephew, (my younger brother's son), is about to turn seven. I figured it was about time to teach him how to play chess. Chess is a game of skill, intrigue, second guessing and strategy. I have tried to teach the game to adults who instantly become confused how all the pieces move, where they all go, and how to organize them into an efficient "machine" with which to capture the opponent's king. However...MY nephew ain't no dummy. Immediately he remembers the pieces, the moves, the board...and whilst I figured I had an easy game, with an equally easy win; I'm frantically covering my mistakes in about 10 minutes!!!

YIKES!

No fear people, I still won the game, (if I hadn't I'd have feigned a stroke and an emergency room visit to the local hospital with a diagnosis for early Alzheimer's!) But it won't take long for the little guy to figure out; with experience; how to avoid, protect, defend and attack me. He's to smart for his age...I'm still wondering where he gets it!??!? So of course, he wants to play chess 24 hours a day. Now I'm coming up with rare known diseases with originations in South America and Darkest Africa, to get out of playing!! Geeeesshhh..

So now he's watching me twitter away, curiosity getting the best of him, he asks who the people are who read these things and what do they do? Well, ...I told him that this person is a columnist, this person sews, this one cooks, this lady is an artist, this is a feed to a comic strip, science, news articles etc. He nods his head until I get to the actor. (We've been trying to teach him for awhile what is pretend and what is not.) A confused look comes over his face, "so, this one is pretending to be an actor?"

"No, honey," I explained, "he's a real man, he acts/pretends for a living...like, I drive truck for a living."

More confusion..."so, people pay him to pretend, which is like a lie? Why isn't it okay for me to lie too?"

At this point I'm rolling my eyes...what to say...what to say??... Uhhh... well.. you see..."well, you don't get paid to act and.....uh...he's....a professional!" :) "Acting," I said authoritatively, "is different than lying."

Silence... "How so?" he asks. (Arrgghhh...this is why I didn't breed.) "Will God be mad at him for lying?"

I haven't had enough coffee for this line of questioning. I often smirk when I think if he was ever a POW, his interrogaters will shoot themselves to get out of explaining things to him. This is when I smile politely... "Let's go play a game of chess!!" I exclaim excitedly. "Yippppeeeeeeeeee", he squeals, and off he runs to set up the board!

The actor owes me coffee!! >: ) *wink

The Magician's Owl

The Deer Hit ME!!

I'm cruisin' along...minding my own business...and then....(theme to Jaws)

da dum......dddaaaa dumm... dadum
dadum dadum.. BAM!

A renegade doe hurled herself over the k-rail, straight into the side of my truck, went under the steer tire, bent the lower step, stripped the bolts, put cracks and holes through various fiberglass parts, whipped under the drives, then landed under the tandems. Eek...with 43,930 lbs. of liquid soap in the trailer....one doesn't slam on the brakes unless one wants to flip the load and make the highway smell Zestfully clean!
I know it doesn't look like much in the pictures, but this will trap me here in Washington over the 4th of July holiday. :( I wanted to be in Vegas. (Ah well...tis the life of the road.) So of course the mechanic asked me if I felt bad about hitting the deer. ??? (As if, yes, I go out of my way to hit innocent, woodland, forest creatures. That's right buddy...yesterday I went off-roading w/ my 18 wheeler through the Mount Baker-Snoqualmie Forest searching for a bear, a badger, a duck, a hunting dog, and a jack-rabbit. Call it the wildlife scavenger hunt of the century! All I could find was this lousy animal!) Well no, I don't really feel that bad because........ THE DEER HIT ME! I had to make 2 insurance claims, lose over a week's pay, talk to 14 different people, and take the bus, in a strange city, to the hotel!!! All in all, I'd say it was fair.

The next clueless wonder meanders over to the truck and asked what I had hit to cause this kind of damage. I looked him straight in the eye........gave him a sly smile.......and told him in a strained voice, "this damage was caused from running over the last guy that asked that question!"

(Here's your sign!)

*wink I'm mean...but I'm cute! Happy 4th ya'll!!!

The Magicians Owl

It Can Only Happen to Me...

It has been awhile since I've blogged. Yes..I'm sorry. But so much has happened that I've been a bit..distracted.

Temporarily, I've hired an employee for extra cash on a few truck runs (mostly hazardous),and little did I know how entertaining and dangerous it would be!


It brings to mind the question, "why do men do what they do, what are they thinking before they do it???" Those kind of questions generally keep me up nights.

My employee comes to sit up front with me while I'm driving the truck. Most drivers do drive barefoot, or in socks or slippers,...anything comfortable when you're in the chair for 8-11 hours a day. So, naturally he pulls his shoes off, and naturally I commented on the unassuming little odor. Looking around he spots my aerosol can of "orange spray"air freshener and proceeds to spray his socks (with feet still in them.) I'm driving, paying attention to traffic, the corner of my eye sees him reach for his lighter. "What are you doing?" I inquire. He flicks the lighter without another word spoken and literally set his foot ablaze! In less than a microsecond his whole foot is engulfed in bright orange/yellow flame! He stomps his foot, panics and starts waving it around in the air...(that's right, fan the flames!!)

"Stop waving your foot around!!! Grab your jacket!!! SMOTHER IT! SMOTHER IT" I scream. (As if driving in downtown rush hour traffic just wasn't enough of a challenge! )

Flames out, I looked at him with eyebrow raised. "What..... is...... wrong with you???" I ask. A new smell drifts through the cab. It smells like a burnt orange tree offering administered in a boys locker room. A sheepish grin, a shrug of the shoulders, "I didn't know it'd go off like that," he says.

"What were you expecting when you doused your foot in something that says 'caution flammable', 'keep away from open flames'?? That's why you spray it in the AIR! It's an AIR freshener!"

SIGH

He begins to read the can as if the last 10 minutes didn't happen. "Hey", he says brightly, "says here it hasn't been tested on animals!" I think to myself, "Yep, that's because they didn't need to!" SIGH...



The next day brings a new pleasure to the senses. I've asked and asked that people don't pee in cups, jars, my bed...etc. This IS a male truck driver thing. It's long enough and they can use it wherever..and usually do! When I train new drivers I tell them...I will happily pull over on the side of the road, on an on-ramp, truck stop, rest area... DO NOT alleviate yourself in the truck and throw it out the window. I can't really think of anything more disgusting. Erck, yeck, blah, argh,.. However...MY employee came without a sense of listening. Oh, he can hear fine..its when the interpretation to the brain follows through...I believe there is a short somewhere in the wiring. Unbeknownst to me, he "filled" a paper cup in the bunk and was about to come up front to the cab where he was going to "throw" it out the window when he tripped over the passenger seat as I hit a huge bump in the asphalt. ... SKA-DOOSH goes a warm, fishy-smelling liquid all over the passenger floor. (I had been saying it for a week, stop it or something will happen... geez but do I hate being right all the time.)

He looks at me blankly. I'm driving, I look at him blankly. Well, now I'll have to find a way to re-do my soaked log book...I'm never wearing THOSE flip-flops ever again, ..yep the gloves can be replaced...and I wish he'd just go back to setting his socks on fire because THIS behaviour is much worse.

SIGH....and people wonder why I'm not dating him. **Thanks..but...I prefer my own species.


It has been suggested to me that I could hire a monkey to do his job...but then again...it wouldn't be as entertaining now would it?

So this morning I got up early, stretched, grabbed my weights, walked around the parking lot, got a call, "hey, are you going for coffee?". Yeah, that's a good idea, jog to the truck stop, get two large coffees and continue to walk back to my truck. Just as I stepped behind a parked trailer, WHOOSH goes a flatbedder, hauling about 20MPH through an empty truck space. It's a good thing I have fast reflexes. I yanked my foot back just as I was about to step in his path. Scared the driver, scared me, scared my partner who hollers, "SHIT, DID YOU JUST SEE THAT?" Uh...yeah..that's why I'm still breathing and standing upright. "Wow," he exclaims, "I saw that guy hauling ass and then saw you about to walk right in front of him, and I thought man this is going to go down bad." He shakes his head. And... you couldn't have blown the airhorn, or shouted at me or something?? Sigh..


I just put a Coldplay CD in the stereo to relax after today's adventures. My employee is now singing about a half-tone off key to "Green Eyes."

Is it to late to hire that monkey???

LOL
The Magician's Owl

Uh...You Left Your Sword !?

LOL.. I have to love Hollywood. Sitting here, watching a series of various "swash & bucklers" has made me realize something I had missed.

The hero always has to go find "the" sword with which to kill the fabled monster. His own weapon will just never do..nope..we have to adventure off into unknown wilds, dark forests, or rocky mountains to find a particular weapon of legendary choice.

But one has to wonder...why are these weapons always sitting out in the elements, buried in rocks, withheld by sodden maidens, or sitting in volcanoes???? Is that, like, a sword makers creed? If you really like the weapon, be sure to put it in some strange spot in the middle of nowhere so some meandering paladine can find it later.

If I was a great weapons maker, I may want to put my wares where someone would find them easier. That's right, White Knights everywhere would be able to bid for their weapon of myth...

right here on Ebay!

:) hee hee...

The Magician's Owl

MI5 Seeking Real "Q" ???

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20090418/wl_uk_afp/britainspyfilmsciencetechnologyoffbeat

Ha Ha haa..

I kid you NOT!

There is an article on Yahoo about MI5 trying to find a real technology expert with which to "Bond"-up their agents.

Is this where life imitates art?

So I wonder what this guy's code name is going to be? Q-T?

(LOL... How am I supposed to grow up and take life seriously when I read articles like this?)

The article goes on to say, "There is a really important role in providing scientific and technological advice on addressing problems agents in the field will face." Yeah, they may also face those tough situations when a good, old fashioned, cheesy cliche may come into need. I wonder if MI5 can get the rights to use the Bond theme. Each agent can be given his own Ipod with which to battle evil. Standard issue Aston Martin complete with turbo jets, push-button oil slicks, computer targeting windshield, and hidden ski racks for winter driving would be kind of obvious to the "bad guys" wouldn't it? Couldn't you just imagine the dress code! LOL Each agent is given a standard Armani tux..equipped with laser-beam, explosive watch.

Citizen meanders up to a black-tie agent....

"Hey buddy, nice watch... do you happen to have the time?"

BOOOOOMMM!!!

Agent: "Oh shit... wrong button...sorry about that pal..." (sneaks off, cover blown)

I wonder which terrorist groups will send in their resumes for the role of "Odd Job", "Blofeld", and "Goldfinger".

I think I'll send in my resume for the role of Moneypenny. :) *wink

The Magicians Owl

Your Honor...I Need A Cartoon Lawyer!

So as I'm lounging in yet another hotel for the night trying to escape the Arizona heat...I'm half watching, half reading when a commercial catches my attention, (which is the point of a commercial I suppose). ha ha..
The commercial has a big blue cartoon bulldog..almost like the one from old Warner Bros. cartoons. The background voice is droning on about a law firm and the typical ambulance chasing spiel rambles on about entitlements, time, etc..etc.. ,but my attention for the most part is still "drawn" to this cartoon bulldog. I have to say I was completely fascinated.

Here's why....if you are a serious law firm trying to reach those who need assistance with bankruptcies, accident claims, or social security filings, what audience are you trying to reach with a big, blue cartoon bulldog? What does a cartoon or a bulldog have to do with law???

Then it hits me!!! So imagine if you will a prestigious office. In walks a girl of 8 years old. She has her professional Hannah Montana jacket on with matching shoes and a mini skirt. In her hand she carries her pink, Barbie briefcase. She comes to the advertised lawyer to file her injury claim against a miserable 7 year old who has a "drinking" problem. Apparently he'd just gotten on his bike after leaving the local lemonade stand and while wobbling uncontrollably down her block he hits her little red wagon causing injury. I think she may have a strong case! LOL

As for me...I think I may have to stick to those more "mature" lawyers who don't sound like Elmer Fudd, and look for killing wabbits.

Eat your heart out Jessica Rabbit!!! LOL

The Magicians Owl

Let Me Explain...Backing UP

Have you ever tried to explain to an insurance agent what a "backing accident" means and it falls under the "bobtail" policy? One would think that a claims adjuster, who supposedly deals with policies, accidents, explanations... would understand what I was talking about. I was using English...I think..

How my day started. I was happily snuggled under the sheets, dreaming away. My cell phone rings off the bed, hits the floor with a loud CRACK...flippy part not so flippy now....damn...(memo to me, memo to me....turn off vibration mode). Grab phone, sleepily respond, "hello?" .... .... "hellooo?",.... .... ...

Open eye...... oh..haha.... turn phone around talk into the microphone end. "Hello?"

Driver: "uh..yeah...I just had a backing accident in a parking lot."

Me: "wa?" ... "How'd ya do that?"

Driver: "uh..well I was backin' up, didn't see the tractor behind me..and... the back dual caught the step."

Me: "okaaayyy... so, how bad ja hit 'im?"

Driver: "well, it bent the lower step and cracked the lowbox."

Me: "okaayyy... soooo....get the information, I'll call it in..and call ya back..what's yer cell?".....

So, I get the information and call it in to the insurance agent after grumbling to myself how this Monday is already going to go, and I begin my phone tree experience with Gretchen. After explaining a brief history she begins laughing.
??? Okay..well, even I rate the accident as avoidably stupid..yes... but it wasn't Satuday Night Live funny especially when money and tempers are involved and my temper's pilot light is now starting to get lit..
Gretchen explains that she only gets some information to pass on to the next agent. You're right..I don't think "I" could have explained the entire story to one agent. I should've have expected to break the story into 4 parts and piece it out to 8 different people, therefore efficiently prolonging resolving the claim, but also my phone experience so I can waste all my cell minutes!! It IS Monday... :( ;( >:I ggggrrrr....

After Gretchen, I wait 20 minutes for Liberty. "Hello, Liberty..here's what happened.." and on she passed me through the system to Jack. Thirty minutes later Jack says this is the wrong department (but of course Grey Poupon..it's Monday) and throws me over to Carly. Sigh...okay..now I'm up...no caffeine yet...temper now luke-warm.
"Hello Carly, my driver had a lil' backing incident this morning..what information would you like first so I can resolve this with the other driver?"

Carly: "What kind of accident is it?"

Me: "It's a minor backing incident, fender bender, will fall under bobtail coverage."

Carly: "What do you mean backing accident?"

Me: "It means my driver was backing up and bumped another tractor, cracking the step box and bending the step."

Carly: "So your driver was backing up when he hit another vehicle?"

Me: "Uh... yeah!" (my thoughts: BINGO BLONDIE... DING DING DING..YOU GOT IT!)

Carly: "How fast was he going?"

Me: "Oh..probably about 80MPH..."

Carly asks surprised: "So how did that only cause minor damage?"

Me: "DUH Carly...he was backing...meaning the tractor only does about .5 mph when in reverse"

We go through all the other routine numbers...his insurance, numbers, tractor makes, models, yaddda yadda... and Carly finely comes to the important question. "Was he hooked to a trailer?" Well see...NO because if the driver was hooked to a trailer..then the trailer would have hit the other vehicle..that's why this falls under the bobtail coverage. And of course..what is the bobtail coverage..she asked.

Ya know... I think next time I'm calling my claim into McDonald's...they are used to taking orders!

*WINK

The Magicians Owl

The Eye of Winter

They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Hmm... Well..what if you don't even like the eye?
I'm wondering if when I converse with others..the reason they remain unfocused around me, is my ice-blue stare? There is something frightening about ice-blue eyes. It is like you are staring at the dead, looking back at you! Eeeekkk... Creepy...in a Dawn of the Dead kinda way! I don't even like looking at them in the mirror. In the sun they turn even icier....must go along with the cold heart underneath! :)
Funny...my birthstone is also an ice blue.
Seems a strange fate sometimes, that I am always surrounded by winter in every form. Even my heritage is that of the Nordic realms.

Is there no end to winter? It would seem for me it will span the ages, to eternity and beyond.

The Magicians Owl