Can't The Elephant Forget, Just Once???

I AM AN I-D-I-O-T.


Uh..yeah..it's true.
I wish technology would come out with a brain wiping drug or scan or whatever. I would pay in the tens to thousands to have that procedure.

It all started when I was young. Girl meets boy, girl falls in love with boy...boy falls in love with girl. Boy moves far away to another country, moves around alot. Girl spends 4 years of her life, alone, waiting patiently for him. Boy calls girl on her birthday out of the blue and says, "I don't wanna do this anymore." Girl is crushed almost to the point of throwing up. Then...girl finds out that boy marries another in less than 5 months afterward, and moves to yet another country.
And girl can never forget.

He is doing what he loves to do now....wrestling wild horses, playing with broncs, being wild. It is how I always think of him, "untameable". Almost killed himself a couple of times on horseback! Mostly, he doesn't have the sense God gave a goose! But he was so handsome, so kind, intelligent and humorous. It was hard to stay emotionally sober when he'd start in on one of his stories of adventure and mayhem! *wink I was first attracted to him because he was the only one that treated me immediately like a lady, unlike the others who treated me like a sex object. That smile; the evil, mischievous twinkle in his eyes would always tell me when he was up to some prank. His jokes were always tasteful, never harming or cutting, yet even if directed at you it still made you laugh.

You'd think after 12 years or so...I'd forget..forgive..let bygones be bygones. I thought that to, until I came across his pic on the internet the other day. THIS is what I get for searching...it's what I get for my damnable curiosity about things..it's why I should have my fingers tied together and my internet account withdrawn! I feel as bad now as the day my heart was torn out and stomped into oblivion....why can't I just let it go?

What am I feeling now?... Surprise for one. I've become so hard-shelled and so callous through the years. wow. I am so out-of-touch with what I feel that mostly I feel nothing. Not sure if I'm even human. I wish I could feel jealousy, joy, anger, resentment, hatred; ANYTHING would be a release of this numbing sensation and I don't even have those emotions. It's just cold. Some days I look at the things I get myself into, wondering how I ever come out alive and unscathed and even though I know I should be scared, I feel nothing. (I think this is the most I've even referred to myself.)

I just can't get him out of my heart...and listening to the song "I'll wash that man right out of my hair"... well thanks Clairol...but I could shave my head and I still don't think it'd help! ha ha..

I've been re-offered a job ice-trucking in Alaska, the final frontier state. I don't know whether Scotty should beam me up or not. I've thought the logical aspects of that through, Spock would be proud.... :)

Joking aside...perhaps I will find peace there, or maybe I should just stop looking so hard for peace of mind. Somehow, I have to find a way to set that wild horse free.

The Magician's Owl