It's HIS Fault!

A friend of mine introduced me to his girlfriend awhile ago. A young, twenty-something-year-old, blonde flopped down next to me and proceeded to tell me her life story. Often fascinated where people come from and where they are going, I listened quietly to her woes. She's had a hard life already but to make matters worse she throws out the phrase, "he makes my whole world, I don't know what I'd do without him,... he makes me so happy."


And what do I think? You who know me already know what I'm thinking.... YIKES!


There is a danger when you make someone else responsible for your emotional state. (Women seem to do this more than men.) This young woman is going to lose her man very quickly. I give it about 5 months tops.


So why, what is the problem with her being happy with a new relationship?


The problem is emotional responsibility. It is a very different mindset to say to yourself or someone else... "I'm happy when I'm with him" vs. "He makes me happy". In the first sentence, you are a complete person already and don't need someone to make or break your emotion. You find happiness in the relationship but are not dependant on him as the entire source. In the latter sentence, he is soley responsible when you are upset, happy, moody, ecstatic, sad...etc.


As predicted, months later she is unhappy because time and attention from her beau are not what it started out to be in the beginning. A vicious circle now ensues. She is unhappy, calls him constantly to whine, moan, belate her state of unhappiness. In her mind, HE now is responsible to "fix" this state by doing or saying something to make her happy again. Of course, there is nothing he can do because tomorrow the problem will exist again. Over time, the relationship dissolves bitterly. She blames him for not "making" her jubilant, she puts herself in a constant state of being depressed, perturbed, anxious, angry which perpetuates stress taken out on everyone. He feels "trapped" into a relationship which there is always a problem that never seems to be able to be solved. Men tend to be "problem-solvers". They strive to find solutions to live generally stress free lives. They like when the people around them are stress free. Right now, the relationship is in its death throes. He doesn't really want to talk to her, she can only call with constant back biting comments and a constant anger directed at him.

Solution: Fellow females, we need to be more supportive of people. Life can be light-hearted, happy, stable when we want it to be. First, we need to be complete people in ourselves. One can not depend on others for happiness or fulfillment. These are things we need to have before we get into a relationship. I can't tell you how many times I've seen my friends destroy what could have been a great relationship, except for the fact that she depended on him to make her a complete person. My suggestion is to find your own hobbies, your own friends, your own likes or dislikes. You don't have to love football because he does. You don't have to make all his friends yours. Be two separate people who take joy in being with each other on a mature, respectful level. You'll find that it may take some work to overcome that natural destructive instinct, but if you are pleasant, you'll find that life becomes a joy to live!!! :)

The Magicians Owl