It Can Only Happen to Me...

It has been awhile since I've blogged. Yes..I'm sorry. But so much has happened that I've been a bit..distracted.

Temporarily, I've hired an employee for extra cash on a few truck runs (mostly hazardous),and little did I know how entertaining and dangerous it would be!


It brings to mind the question, "why do men do what they do, what are they thinking before they do it???" Those kind of questions generally keep me up nights.

My employee comes to sit up front with me while I'm driving the truck. Most drivers do drive barefoot, or in socks or slippers,...anything comfortable when you're in the chair for 8-11 hours a day. So, naturally he pulls his shoes off, and naturally I commented on the unassuming little odor. Looking around he spots my aerosol can of "orange spray"air freshener and proceeds to spray his socks (with feet still in them.) I'm driving, paying attention to traffic, the corner of my eye sees him reach for his lighter. "What are you doing?" I inquire. He flicks the lighter without another word spoken and literally set his foot ablaze! In less than a microsecond his whole foot is engulfed in bright orange/yellow flame! He stomps his foot, panics and starts waving it around in the air...(that's right, fan the flames!!)

"Stop waving your foot around!!! Grab your jacket!!! SMOTHER IT! SMOTHER IT" I scream. (As if driving in downtown rush hour traffic just wasn't enough of a challenge! )

Flames out, I looked at him with eyebrow raised. "What..... is...... wrong with you???" I ask. A new smell drifts through the cab. It smells like a burnt orange tree offering administered in a boys locker room. A sheepish grin, a shrug of the shoulders, "I didn't know it'd go off like that," he says.

"What were you expecting when you doused your foot in something that says 'caution flammable', 'keep away from open flames'?? That's why you spray it in the AIR! It's an AIR freshener!"

SIGH

He begins to read the can as if the last 10 minutes didn't happen. "Hey", he says brightly, "says here it hasn't been tested on animals!" I think to myself, "Yep, that's because they didn't need to!" SIGH...



The next day brings a new pleasure to the senses. I've asked and asked that people don't pee in cups, jars, my bed...etc. This IS a male truck driver thing. It's long enough and they can use it wherever..and usually do! When I train new drivers I tell them...I will happily pull over on the side of the road, on an on-ramp, truck stop, rest area... DO NOT alleviate yourself in the truck and throw it out the window. I can't really think of anything more disgusting. Erck, yeck, blah, argh,.. However...MY employee came without a sense of listening. Oh, he can hear fine..its when the interpretation to the brain follows through...I believe there is a short somewhere in the wiring. Unbeknownst to me, he "filled" a paper cup in the bunk and was about to come up front to the cab where he was going to "throw" it out the window when he tripped over the passenger seat as I hit a huge bump in the asphalt. ... SKA-DOOSH goes a warm, fishy-smelling liquid all over the passenger floor. (I had been saying it for a week, stop it or something will happen... geez but do I hate being right all the time.)

He looks at me blankly. I'm driving, I look at him blankly. Well, now I'll have to find a way to re-do my soaked log book...I'm never wearing THOSE flip-flops ever again, ..yep the gloves can be replaced...and I wish he'd just go back to setting his socks on fire because THIS behaviour is much worse.

SIGH....and people wonder why I'm not dating him. **Thanks..but...I prefer my own species.


It has been suggested to me that I could hire a monkey to do his job...but then again...it wouldn't be as entertaining now would it?

So this morning I got up early, stretched, grabbed my weights, walked around the parking lot, got a call, "hey, are you going for coffee?". Yeah, that's a good idea, jog to the truck stop, get two large coffees and continue to walk back to my truck. Just as I stepped behind a parked trailer, WHOOSH goes a flatbedder, hauling about 20MPH through an empty truck space. It's a good thing I have fast reflexes. I yanked my foot back just as I was about to step in his path. Scared the driver, scared me, scared my partner who hollers, "SHIT, DID YOU JUST SEE THAT?" Uh...yeah..that's why I'm still breathing and standing upright. "Wow," he exclaims, "I saw that guy hauling ass and then saw you about to walk right in front of him, and I thought man this is going to go down bad." He shakes his head. And... you couldn't have blown the airhorn, or shouted at me or something?? Sigh..


I just put a Coldplay CD in the stereo to relax after today's adventures. My employee is now singing about a half-tone off key to "Green Eyes."

Is it to late to hire that monkey???

LOL
The Magician's Owl